Chapter 42
Previously: The Rose of Whitby – Chapter 41
Darcy wishes that emotional high could last, but once she leaves John with Eluned, doubt settles over her. No, not about that decision, she doesn’t care that the contract became even more expensive, that John got bound into it, he seemed so happy to be trusted with protection. No, she worries because didn’t she just learn something she didn’t know existed?
As if summoned by her wistful mood, or maybe it was the bat swarm circling overhead where she lies in the grass, or maybe even just his habit of always looking for her, Gregory walks up to her.
She starts talking about her misgivings, her wonder at the idea what would have happened if her papa had decided to raise her as a boy. Was she made a girl? Was she always a girl? Did Papa decide because it was easier for a girl to be locked in a room? And she can’t help the shudder of doubt. Would she have been miserable if she had lived as a boy? Would she have pretended? Would she know as strongly as John what was right?
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Gregory finds that’s all over his head, he has no clue what she’s on about, but she seems upset, so he tries to calm her down. He wouldn’t care, her papa probably cared and wanted her happy, too, but more importantly he loves her and he believes in her femininity.
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That doesn’t really answer any of her questions but she feels reassured that he loves her and loves her femininity. At the same time, that love declaration makes her look away and ask him in a whisper if she cheated on him today. His utterly confused look makes her explain that she got so caught up in the story, that she was hoping for that secret passage, she wanted to be kidnapped, have the hero and the rake fight over her. She’s so very sorry.
He starts laughing because that’s so strange to him, he really doesn’t see the issue at all, he’s not jealous. That makes her feel only worse because she knows she’s often jealous but he waves it away, he knows he won’t lose her so it’s fine, they both have flaws.
With a pout she crosses her arms, she hates being bad for him, she doesn’t want to, and she doesn’t want to… now she’s blushing again, embarrassed and uncomfortable but he asks what she doesn’t want to. She admits that she doesn’t want to notice others, um, she means, notice other men.
He just laughs again, noticing other people is normal, he notices every attractive girl and boy, too, and she’s a dhampir, they have even more urges, right? She’s still stuck on the ‘every girl or boy’, yes, she’s heard it before that to him it doesn’t make a difference, but the thought is so strange to her. Then again, he says that he doesn’t care so often, maybe that’s what she should start to expect. Nevertheless, she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like noticing others but again, Gregory tells her that’s normal, she doesn’t need to feel like a harlot.
When she shakes her head that she isn’t sure what to feel about having John around, but of course she’s not sending him away for something so silly, and she also just signed an updated contract for him, Gregory hugs her, because she’s always so amazing! He’s sure Eluned wouldn’t have helped without her asking. Darcy isn’t pointing out that Eluned didn’t so much help as get a better business deal, but she knows Gregory thinks the fey are a lot nicer than they are.
At the sudden lull in the conversation because Gregory just keeps hugging her, Darcy realizes that wait, didn’t he look upset when he walked up to her? So she asks and yes, he pouts and admits that he isn’t comfortable with Arthur having such good teasing ammunition about him. She’s not sure what he means, so inquires further, prompting him to sulk right on about this somehow being bad for his ego, and that he wishes he could somehow make Arthur forget that he could tease him about having been small and weak.
Not that Darcy really thinks Arthur would, she can’t remember having seen him do much teasing (although Gregory insists they tease each other all the time) but clearly, that doesn’t help Gregory. Neither does her trying to relate by saying she felt weak, too, as a human girl. Isn’t it so nice that they both can relate to each other with their comfort with being monsters?
He doesn’t react, still pouts, so instead she changes tactics. He always reacts to some things, and that’s how men are supposed to be, right? So she makes herself small and cuddles into him, so she can look up at him when she purrs that there surely are ways he could make himself feel more manly with her here.
Yes, that worked like a charm, but after a short kiss he runs off, to her shock. It’s short-lived though, he’s right back, the bottle of lube in one hand and she’s not sure what the other thing he’s holding is, but whatever it is, her first reaction is that he can’t be serious. Out here? What if somebody sees them? He just shrugs, declares one more of his usual “I don’t care!”s and stands over her, gets on top of her despite her insecurity. The thing he brought makes any further protests mute, literally, it’s a gag. He listened, she likes kinky things! is his grinned comment before he puts it on her.
She’s not sure how he… well, she supposes he kind of listened, she just must have said it badly again. Like that first night. But he’s her fiancé, he knows better, right? So, despite her misgivings, she gives in, at least he does give her his demon form, at least he does use his claws, although she can feel his reluctance, can feel the way he always holds back, no matter how much she thinks she’s pleading with straining into the pain.
At least by the end of it, his mood is much better again, he seems relaxed and content as he rests his head on her shoulder with a chuckled: “You do know that there is little chance Llew and Eluned missed this, right?”
Embarrassed red and shocked white war on her face. She had told him she’s not sure, that she is worried about somebody noticing! Why would he say that? Why would he laugh? She scrambles to get her ripped dress back on to more comments from him, she shouldn’t care, he asked Llew once and that guy can brag. The way he says it makes her embarrassment intermix with that feeling she can’t quite describe again. Part of her wants to growl and fight Llew, wants to declare that he should stay away from her fiancé, but… it all just feels so wrong. Again. Why does she always feel like that after… after what he insists is just them loving each other? Dropping the ruined dress, she flees into her bat form and races back to her room, not even sure if she wants to cry, has to cry, or why exactly she just feels awful.
Gregory doesn’t follow, or at least not while she’s still awake. The next morning she finds a box next to her bed and a misspelled ‘Sorry’ on a card on top of it. A cat paw print underneath makes it clear who that is from. Opening it she finds… well, she supposes more things he believes fit with what she likes, but… again, she must have been bad. She must have said it wrong. None of these have anything to do with pain play. The ropes make her feel awkward, the same way the gag did yesterday, but if that is what he can give her… wants to give her… Well, he’s the man, he’s the one with more experience, she supposes he knows better.
There’s also a key in two parts, with a heart shape on top, a bit silly maybe, but she’s curious. None of the things in the box fit for it. Then there’s a click, and to her amazement, the house spirit swings open a new door: A secret door behind her large wall mirror. Suddenly much more enthusiastic than about the rest of the gift, she jumps out of bed and follows the secret passage. A secret passage, in her room, just like in John’s dreamscape! She blushes when she realises that she immediately had a stray wishful thought about him waiting at the bottom of the stairs. Instead, there’s a locked door, the key fits. It really fits! Bouncing by now, Darcy’s eyes go huge when the door swings open and she steps into a room that could be right out of one of the DeSade books she enjoyed! Maybe Gregory did listen after all? Then she realises that all this is made by the house… she doesn’t even know if the key in the box came from Gregory. So instead, she puts a hand to the wall and sobs out a thank you to the house spirit.
That Gregory isn’t aware of it becomes clear when he teases her about all the things in the box at breakfast. Everything, apart from the key. When she asks about the dungeon, he takes a few moments, only to tease right on that it’s such a ‘girl thing’ instead of asking what she’d like to do with it, with the secret passages, and should he get John down there for her. She’d like that, eh? Eh? She’s blushing furiously and flees to the study, she knows he’ll leave her alone if staying around her would mean work. And no, he’s not wrong, she had that thought, but… she wants to be a good fiancée, a good wife, she doesn’t want to cheat! Why does he keep teasing? She told him yesterday that she wants to be faithful, that she doesn’t want to think about others like that! Why can’t he take her words seriously? Well, she supposes it’s another case of her just not getting it.
She didn’t think it could get worse but then it’s Llew sauntering into the study during the afternoon. Could she please just dissolve into fog again? Ready to stand her ground, instead Llew bows and declares he’s just playing delivery guy for his sister before waving John into the room.
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Sure, delivery, Llew grins to himself, totally not because he wants to see those emotions, but hey, what the bloodsucker doesn’t get, she can’t get upset about, right?
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Darcy almost forgets that Llew is in the room when John enters, bringing his fully male scent along. That had been the one thing that was off in his dreamscape, the smell, the smells of everything, but now it’s right, and she finds herself tensing up as the red climbs into her cheeks. Although she’s not entirely sure that’s the only spot that gets a sudden increase in blood supply.
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Well, he’ll be damned, here Llew thought it would be Darcy with the more interesting emotions, but he actually gets the more precious vibes off of John. Sure, the heavy lust off of Darcy is a strong emotion, but it’s such an easy one. Not half as delectable as the wonder and awe John exudes.
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John stands there, in a body he always only dreamed of, literally, fitting clothes and in front of the woman who made this possible. The woman who is looking at him… like no other woman ever has. How he always dreamed of being looked at, not so literally in that case. She sees him, really him, and right this moment, he wants nothing more than to lay his life at her feet, hear her laugh, see her smile, see her look at him with so much obvious emotion and longing.
Still, he ends up just rubbing his neck, unsure what to do, especially because that fucking other guy is still in the room and he sure as fuck isn’t going to show something so vulnerable in front of anybody except… well, she’s not really his girl, right? She is engaged. She can’t be his, no matter how she looks at him. That hurts, but still, he’s not going to leave, he’s not going to be so petty, she did all this for him, he’ll protect her in any way she lets him.
For right now, that means telling the fey dude that he’s securely delivered. He’s not blind, he saw the look she was giving that one right before she only had eyes for him. Fuck, a girl only having eyes for him… anyway, it takes one more round of more forceful shoving before Llew leaves. Obviously reluctant, but what does John care about that?
Once that one’s gone, he walks over to Darcy but leaves the desk between them. He’s not one to crowd her, he won’t ever move into her personal space if she doesn’t invite him there. He knows how much it sucks when a woman doesn’t get to make her own decision, especially about being touched. Sure, he wants to crush her in another hug, but well, with this body now, no, that would be bad for her. So instead, because he really isn’t a words-guy, he leaves it at one heartfelt ‘thank you’ before he much rather wants to show how much it means in deeds. This is her study, right? He did secretly learn what he could from his father’s books. He’s from a merchant family, can he maybe help her with the bookkeeping?
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That sincere offer finally shakes Darcy’s mind out of the gutter. He’s so much more than that tantalizing, alluring smell of his! Yes, please, she’d love to have him help her. With a wide smile, she starts explaining what she’s been working on, and over the next few hours, her concentration and mood soar. John’s observant and helpful and he just makes her feel so secure. He makes her feel that yes, this is hard work, and she’s been doing well, even though he absolutely catches some of her mistakes.
It’s only in the evening, when her mother shows up to check over some things for her, as she’s done most days, that Darcy notices how close she’s allowed John to sit. Allowed… she wants to blush, but no, he had asked. Asked every time, even when he leaned in to check over something, and suddenly it seems so obvious why, despite how his smell might put her mind in the gutter, it’s also easy not to get sidetracked. He’s too considerate, too aware, everything he does, every movement in her direction is deliberate and only finished when invited. She doesn’t have to worry about him ever thinking her a harlot, he is so respectful, so aware of her insecurities. And all that while understanding her better than anybody else, probably, on gender. No, she doesn’t feel awkward anymore about him being around. Having him around will be wonderful!
Going by the look Gregory gives him when he comes strolling into the study to fetch her for dinner, he just might agree with having John around being wonderful. But somehow, she’s not sure, the way John flinches (and should she notice that, should she be close enough for seeing it?,) and the way Gregory is grinning at him, tries to immediately get his arm around his shoulders, makes her uncomfortable. Sure, he’s talking about John being a proper man now and that they should go celebrate together, but something, she doesn’t know, she really doesn’t, but she speaks up, tells them to take Arthur along.
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Gregory is joking that Arthur wouldn’t like it, they don’t need a chaperone, but John (having dodged out of his chair to not be touched) agrees with Darcy. If this is the guys having a guys’ night, shouldn’t Arthur come along? Lucy chuckles and excuses her Jackie from that suggestion. With a pout, Gregory whines at Darcy that she’s taking things too seriously, he just wants to celebrate John.
Fuck no, Darcy is not taking this too seriously. John steps even farther away as Gregory tries again to get his arm around his shoulders. That kind of look… he’s got to be seeing things, right? He wouldn’t be looked at that way now, not with his real body now, right? Especially not by a guy who is with Darcy. He hopes, and suddenly has no clue what to do.
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Darcy notices Gregory’s look and yes, she’s been looking at John not too differently repeatedly during the last few hours, but she isn’t going to admit that, instead taps her foot at Gregory and that makes him fold. Fine, yes, they’ll get Arthur, too. With Gregory behaving (Lucy’s formulation, not hers,) John also seems to warm up to the idea of a guys’ night out more and grins at her before he gets out of the door.
Noticing where her mother’s eyes are, Darcy gasps, then, before she even realizes what she’s doing, snarls at her mother, fangs out, causing Lucy to erupt into laughter. “Aw, dracial territoriality over him already? Fine, blonds aren’t much my type anyway, but you do have an eye for nice arses.” Squeaking at how impossible her mother is, Darcy flees into talking paperwork with her instead.
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Why he can’t stay in his lab and do research instead of going into town drinking, Arthur doesn’t know- he doesn’t like the taste of alcohol, and he doesn’t like the crowds in pubs, and the noise, and all the strangers, and he always feels awkward and out of place and no one talks about things he finds interesting. But, well… he doesn’t want to be rude to John.
Not that that wasn’t a confusing conversation anyway- first Gregory saying that he and John were going into town to celebrate, like he was just telling Arthur, not asking him to come along. Only then for John to look… uncomfortable, maybe? Well, he kind of frowned at Gregory and then told Arthur that he could come, too.
Which left Arthur stuck wondering whether John didn’t want him there, and that’s what the frown and the short, grumbly tone was about. Would it be rude to accept or to decline? And then Gregory added in agreement that Darcy said that he should come, too, and… what does Darcy have to do with it? It was very confusing, but since John didn’t have to ask, and Darcy maybe knows more about etiquette, Arthur figured agreeing would be the less offensive course.
Which is how he finds himself in a corner of a pub that’s not quite as rough as the ones in London he’s been in, but still just as loud. He’d really rather be in his lab or curled up in the library with a book, somewhere quiet and comfortable and interesting, instead of standing around awkwardly with a mug of beer. Gregory, obviously, is in high spirits, but John seems to be enjoying himself, too. Well, Arthur supposes this is the sort of thing he couldn’t do before, so maybe that makes it appealing. And it’s not like Arthur doesn’t want to get to know John better- he’s just not sure whether John likes him, or how to interact with him. And they can’t really have any conversations here to get to know each other. So Arthur nurses his beer and tries his best to be invisible.
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John can’t believe it, he spent his day with a girl that is just, well, wow, just fucking wow, and now he gets to go out drinking with the guys? Is this how it feels to finally be seen as the man he really is? Sure, Gregory is touchy feely and he’s had to grunt at him repeatedly to stop that. But still, out with the guys! In a pub! He’s never been in a pub. Not somewhere he was ever supposed to be, far too dangerous, both for the girl the world saw him as, and for the non-Brit. Sure, his looks don’t make him obvious, but he still has the worst urge to reach up and check. He’s so very used to the idea that he should be wearing a kippah to be a man, but that would also make him stick out here and… not as if his community was any more accepting of aberrations, so he’s not sure if he should feel any pang at all at giving up that part of his upbringing together with everything else of his old life.
That contemplative mood holds up until Gregory brings the first round of ale. Unsure of how to behave, both as a guy and a supposedly British guy, John kept close to Arthur, who promptly took a corner spot. The place is full, some people are already drunk, another thing his old life frowned upon, but overall, it seems merry. Well, merry in a “let’s drink away our hard-earned wages because we don’t want to think about it” kind of way. Gregory definitely didn’t pick a fine establishment, but maybe that’s part of this whole guy thing, too. Anyway, there’s the clink of the glasses and Gregory’s wide grin as he toasts him and downs the entire glass. Fuck, okay, John is pretty sure that’s a masculinity statement, so he tries his best to follow suit.
Two glasses later, this whole merrymaking doesn’t seem so difficult anymore! He can do this! Sure, just follow along, he’ll learn. The dance steps aren’t familiar, but similar enough to other dances that he knows, and he thinks the girls don’t care all that much that he has to pay closer attention to them. The girls… he’s dancing with girls! Him! Pub night with the guys, drinking, dancing, and… uh, he’s pretty sure, what the fuck? He startles back as one of the girls guides them towards the outer edge and steals a kiss. You can do that?! Just kiss somebody? Uh, is she soliciting him… well, if she is that’s none of his business, uh, he means he shouldn’t be her business!
That’s the moment Gregory swoops in and makes a show of rescuing him. As if he needed that. Grumbling, he still follows along back to their corner, only for Gregory to tell him, with a grin he wants to punch, that he’s just preventing any shotgun weddings. What the fuck does Gregory think he’d do?! It gets worse from there when Gregory makes another production of needing to rescue Arthur this time by moving them away a few yards again, but it’s very important that John gets ‘the talk’ right now so that he knows what he’s protecting him from.
What the fuck does that arse think? He’s not some kind of kid! He’s fucking older than Gregory! He was brought up as a girl, not living under a rock! He fucking got sold off to be raped! Not that John says that out loud, he knows that he couldn’t keep his voice down, he fears he’d yell so loud that the entire pub could hear him. Instead, he balls his fists tight enough to feel his nails dig painfully into his skin.
That’s just about the only thing stopping him from proving that he is a man, not a boy, by way of punching Gregory into the next wall. He grunts and tells Gregory to better look after himself, he’s the one with a fiancée to disappoint and betray and the way he’s talking… no, no, he will not disrespect another man like that because of one small provocation. He’s above that, temper flaring and everything, temper raging over sudden worries about why Darcy is marrying that one. But before he makes any mistakes he can’t make up for, he tells Gregory to go to hell, in Hebrew so that nobody can accuse him, turns on the spot and marches out of the place.
Fuck his night out with the guys. Clearly the wrong guy to be around! Fuck that, he’d rather be around Darcy… and hey, her engaged is out drinking his tiny brain even tinier, that means he fucking left her alone. She deserves better than that. If she’ll have his company he’d much rather be there than here among these people.