Chapter 59
Previously: The Rose of Whitby – Chapter 58
It’s just all too much. Seeing John so much in the adventure and not being close reminds her too much of what she can’t have. And yes, her mother called her silly for that. Last night after the pirate adventure, Darcy thought of partying some more with Arthur, but Gregory wasn’t anywhere she could find him and Arthur wasn’t in the library, so she thought they must be out and doing things you do with a best friend. Is that what she misses John as?
Her mother all but dragged her to sit down and talk up on the battlements so that she could pet her bat friends. Of course that helped. Her night friends always help, but it still stung and she told Lucy what John had said and how much it hurt. Lucy’s convinced there must have been a misunderstanding. Her mother is probably right, Darcy feels she must be right because didn’t she think the same thing?
She promised her mother to at least try to talk. She’s worried about that, talking never seems to work well for her. She got talked into a fey contract and she got talked into an official wedding, and whenever she tries to talk to Gregory, she doesn’t get anywhere. But John isn’t Gregory, so maybe she can, at least, still be good enough to apologize. That’s the least she can do, and maybe offer to help him find a wife. She doesn’t love him right, she can’t marry him, she must be as good for him as she can in other ways.
That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel like screaming by the time she’s sitting in her study again. It was a lovely morning. She went into town with Arthur to pick up her daddy’s gift for him and she loves seeing him smile. He even was so sweet to offer to join her in the study and help with the paperwork, he has a new pen to try out. But, after yesterday, he’s a bit less shy around her, he dares make some comments about all the paperwork, he even made her giggle with a quip… and how is that supposed not to feel like everything is telling her that she misses John? He’s the one normally going into town with her, the one she trusts to sit next to her.
She misses him so badly and it’s all just too much, she can’t stop herself from breaking into tears.
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Arthur startles out of considering whether this letter asking Darcy for help with some sort of hedgerow-and-drainage business is really something they need to deal with, or whether that’s actually the local council’s responsibility when Darcy suddenly starts crying. He turns to her, alarmed. “What is it? Are you alright?” Well, that’s a silly question; if she was alright she wouldn’t be crying, probably…
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“I’m sorry, sorry, it’s not you!” She tries to rub her tears away but just can’t, they won’t stop, her voice sounds too high-pitched, too. Arthur told her something that bothered him so maybe he won’t think it too much if she says something. “I just miss John so much. I love having you here, but it reminds me so much of him not being here.”
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“Um…” Arthur says, very out of his element. “Sorry, uh, I know it’s none of my business, really, if you had a fight, but… is there anything I can do to help?” he offers awkwardly.
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“I don’t know if we had a fight.” It sounds so silly when she says it out loud, but it’s true. “He said something that really hurt me, but I’m not sure he meant it that way. I couldn’t see him for two weeks because,” she sniffles and blushes but tells him anyway, “apparently I can get addicted to people’s blood and then get really possessive and I never want to hurt him. So we had to wean me off. It hurt so much. It was so hard. Sorry for having been so bad and you having had to deal with me through it.”
Arthur blinks. “Um… I’m sorry to hear that? I… I didn’t know you were going through something like that, I’m sorry…” He blushes. “I… Well, I’m not very good at noticing social things, you know that. I, uh, don’t think you were very bad? Are you better now?”
Part of her wants to tell him that she’s not sure. She knows that the obsession was bad, but she felt so much closer to John. Part of her would have preferred to still believe she was in love with him but that is so very wrong and would make her even worse for John than she is, so she sighs. “I’m no longer obsessed with him and I was so looking forward to being close to him again, but he said that he hopes my dhampir problem is better now. That he’ll stay away from my drac. I went through all of that so he doesn’t have to!” And that brings the tears back with a vengeance.
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“Um… but if you’re no longer obsessed, doesn’t that mean your ‘dhampir problem’ is better? I mean… I don’t really know, what does staying away from your drac mean?” Arthur feels completely out of his depth, but Darcy is upset, so he wants to do his best to help.
She growls, not a human growl, a full dracial growl. “It’s not a dhampir problem! My drac is not a problem! I’m not a problem! I’m a dhampir and I’m a drac… and… and he always made me feel that that’s okay. I feel so rejected and stupid if that’s what he actually thinks.”
“Oh, um, sorry… I just thought, because being obsessed seems to be an issue because you’re a dhampir… but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you being a dhampir!” he adds, strongly. “Being a dhampir is really cool! Anyone who says otherwise is a prejudiced jerk!”
“And John isn’t, so… so I must have misunderstood him, right?” Giving him a hopeful look, she blushes as she realises what he also just said. “Oh… thank you.”
Of course, he also blushes, but says: “You’re welcome. And no, John isn’t. I mean, he’s an aberration, y’know, glass houses and stones… And he was all laughing when you were wolf-playing with the puppy a few weeks ago. I mean… it sounds like there’s some sort of misunderstanding?” he offers.
“It’s just… Gregory said that John moved on, that he’ll just marry somebody when Gregory told him about the obsession. I don’t want to be bad for him. I can’t marry him…” She lets her head sink down on her arms on the table, whimpers. “And if I go and try to talk with him, he’s so loyal, so wonderful, he’ll probably try to protect me even if I’m bad for him. I can’t possibly force myself into his life like that when he moved on.”
“Um, I’m really not the right person to know how to deal with something like that… But, um. I don’t know. John doesn’t really seem like the lying or pretending kind? Like, if you tell him you don’t want to force anything on him, wouldn’t he tell you if he felt like you were? I don’t know about moving on or anything, but… well, it’s not like he’s marrying anyone right now, right? I mean… we would know if he was with someone… right?”
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Darcy nearly says that she thought he was with her, but she doesn’t love him, so he can’t be, right? That’s not how it works. Unrequited love is sad and bad and she’s only once more reminded that her story just can’t decide what terrible genre it wants to be. Couldn’t John have arrived just a little bit earlier when she still had the hope that Gregory wasn’t the hero of her story? But that’s futile. She rubs her wedding band and the invisible fey bracelet, slumps deeper on the table. “I can’t just ask him. Gregory teased me enough about being obsessed, if I now hover over him like that…” With another sigh she just shakes her head. “I don’t know what to do. Lucy wants me to talk to John but I’m… scared.”
“Um… what’re you scared of?” Arthur thinks Lucy has the right idea, talking with John sounds like the best course of action for her.
“Getting my words wrong. I hate words. All I want is… is to have him back like before, but that’s not fair. What if I only hurt him more?” Looking back up at him, Darcy feels miserable, now poor Arthur has to deal with her, too. She’s really just bad for all of them… well, she’s trying to be good for Gregory, which means she probably needs to find Llew soon to keep doing the one thing she’s good for, the one thing her husband seems to like her doing.
Arthur nods in understanding. “Yeah, talking can be really difficult… But, um… couldn’t you try again if you get your words wrong? Like… wouldn’t you rather know whether it’s a misunderstanding or not? What if… what if you’re losing a friend because of a misunderstanding? Wouldn’t it be better to be sure?”
“Isn’t a maybe better than a clear no, he doesn’t like me anymore?” she fires back, then regrets it immediately and growls at herself only to whimper a moment later. “I don’t want to lose him. The world feels so grey now. Do you think he misses me, too?”
“Uh… I don’t know? But I guess he was looking at you sometimes when we were playing in the dreamscape, come to think of it? And it’s clearly really important to you, so, um… see, words are hard, but I feel like… like taking the chance that it’s not a no is much better than wallowing around in a maybe that might as well be a no for how much it doesn’t make you happy? Like… how much worse could it actually be if he says he doesn’t like you anymore? You’re already… living like that’s what he said?” He hopes that makes any sense.
“You’re right. I don’t even know if he’s avoiding me or if he’s giving me space. I don’t want space.” Despite all the paperwork piled in front of her, she still feels there’s no way she can get any further on it, so she stands up. “But I want to not feel so lonely. Can you do me a very big favour? If you find where John is, could you tell him that I miss him? I’ll be in our animal hospital. Our puppies don’t deserve to suffer just because… because…” she whimpers into a smile, “their parents are being silly.”
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He finds himself laughing at her referring to her and John as the puppies’ parents. “Okay, I’ll see if I can find him and let him know! It’d be nice if you could be friends again…”
With a nod, she takes his hand. “Thank you for being my friend and talking to me about this.”
“Um… you’re welcome,” he says. It wasn’t a comfortable conversation, but he finds he likes that he could do something for her.
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After squeezing his hand once, she decides she better start walking before her courage gives out. She’ll be better among the animals; there aren’t even any badly hurt ones ever since Arthur has started to help. Just her little pack of night friends… and some pigeons who refuse to like her but that’s not stopping her from loving their problems better! She wishes she could just do the same for John but then she would need to know what is wrong with her first. It has to be her who’s wrong for not loving him. He’s… well, everything you could wish for in a strong man but ever since she hasn’t been obsessed with him anymore, she just doesn’t feel that deep sense of him being hers, not like she has with Gregory.
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Arthur feels nervous about it, but heads off on his quest to find John- not that he’s familiar enough with him to know where he’s likely to spend his time, but if he has to search the castle top to bottom, he will. For now, he checks in the more common places they frequent. It’s the weapon’s room where he eventually finds him. John seems to be studying the guns? “Um, hi…” Arthur says, awkward as always. “…Uh, Darcy asked me to, er, tell you something…?”
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Oh fuck! Is that it? Is she sending Arthur now to tell him to leave? He knew he fucked up with his words but… Please, he can’t lose her, not without at least trying if all of this is just a terrible misunderstanding or worse, somehow Gregory’s fault! Despite that, he tries his very hardest to just turn slightly and make a questioning grunt, that way he can’t have his voice crack, at least.
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As always, John is impossible to read- for all Arthur can tell, he could be annoyed by the interruption or not care at all. “Well, um, she asked me to tell you that she misses you and that she’s waiting at the hospital with the puppies…” Wait, he doesn’t know whether the puppies part was part of the message, but, well… too late now.
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She misses him? She’s with the puppies and waiting on him? What does that mean? But what does it matter, his girl… no… she’s not his. Then again, she’s waiting on him, fuck it, his girl misses him! He grunts half a thanks at Arthur, then pushes past him and out the door, just about manages to only march rather than run down the corridor.
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Arthur hopes that’s a sign that went well, John is heading in the right direction, at least. And he thanked him… Well, he’ll have to ask Darcy later, if he can’t tell from how they act. For now, he’s done what he could, so heads back to studying his healing books.
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The puppies do help, of course they do, they are so easy to be good for. All they want from you is to see to their needs and love them. But then again, Darcy can’t even manage that completely for either Gregory or John. She feels so useless and bad. She so wishes she was still in her old room, she knew how to be good for her papa, and she thinks she’s good for her daddy, too. She knows how to be a good daughter, she just clearly is a terrible woman. No wonder, she’s a drac. If nothing else, this whole tragedy with John has shown her that.
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Fuck… what can he even say? There she is, lighting up the room even when she isn’t smiling. She’s always so sweet with the puppies, so caring and loving and his heart more than once betrayed him on daydreaming of being like that with their children. He knows it’s never going to happen, but he couldn’t stop himself then and he can’t stop himself now. Maybe the one good thing about this entire tragedy is that he knows his heart now. So that’s the thing he says, the only thing that really matters. “Culver, I love you but I respect that you broke up with me.”
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Her head shoots up and she cradles the puppy close to her chest. What is that expression in her eyes? Why isn’t she saying anything? Fuck! He didn’t think he could make it any worse but clearly he fucking did. Serves him right for being such a dolt and actually being outspoken about his feelings. Balling a fist, he’s about to apologize when she whimpers then howls: “I didn’t want to!”
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The entire kennel erupts into howls, sharing in her anguish, and again, John isn’t sure what to say. Everything in him is shouting to run over to her, to hold her, but… what does she mean?
“I hate that I can’t bite you! I hate that I’m so bad for you! I know that you want a good wife and children… and… and yes, I respect that you moved on from me but it hurts so much.” She’s sniffling against the puppy, who is trying to lick at her tears.
“Moved on?! I fucking never would! I hurt you! Gregory told me about my blood being bad for you. I fucking love your drac too much to make you hurt it just for me.” He’s shouting, he knows he is, but what the fuck? Moved on from her? Why would she ever think that? Then it hits him and his blood runs cold. “What did Gregory tell you?”
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Blinking through her tears, she isn’t sure why that matters, but also, Gregory told John that his blood is bad for her? But that isn’t the problem at all! “That you said you’ll marry somebody else.”
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That does it. That fucking does it! He should have known better! He should have fucking kicked the cat and not trusted a word of what he said! Dolt dolt dolt! How could he have been so stupid?! He should have never stayed away, or at least not before he talked about this with Darcy. Fuck it, fuck it all, if she shoves him against the wall again, so be it. He will not do this from across the room!
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His arms close around her and it feels like he’s pressing her heart back into place with the way he’s holding her tight. She sets the puppy down and turns in his arms to press her face into his shoulder. “Your blood never was bad for me! It was too good, I wanted too much, wanted to own you whole, eat you whole if you so much as look at somebody else! I was obsessed with you.”
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Maybe it’s fucked up that he chuckles at that, but it’s better than if he cries, he can’t let her see him cry, he has to be strong for her. “I’m still obsessed with you, culver. This is all Gregory’s fault.”
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Part of her wants to agree so badly with him, but that’s her husband and there’s a growl deep in her chest that she doesn’t quite let out because Gregory belongs to her, nobody should threaten him, only she gets to judge him. He’s hers! “It’s the words’ fault. John… John, I’m still bad for you. I don’t love you the right way. I’m so sorry, but I still miss you so much. I can’t stop thinking about you and how much I feel safe with you. I want you back. I want our relationship back. I… I can’t give you children, but the puppies feel like our children and I liked that feeling.”
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She doesn’t love him… that hurts, that hurts so fucking much. Wait, not the right way? That means she does love him. And she misses him. And she wants him. And she… now he has to chuckle or he’ll really cry, because she likes the feeling of being parents together. “I’ll be your man in any way you want me, culver.”
Storyteller wasn’t what he thought her answer would be, but hey, it means he’s the man she wants to spend hours and hours together with, the man she rewrites an entire book for, in one long, long dreamscape play. She’s his Darcy Hawkins, the hidden girl, the one John Silver sails off into the sunset with at the end. She’s his culver, his girl, the love of his life, the willing mother of their puppies, and if that is all the love she can have for him, fuck, he’ll take it. He has a future with her again, and one that, she tells him with a blush, includes spending all her nights with him, all her lone evening hours of reading and talking that she realises Gregory doesn’t want to do with her anyway.
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The castle is oddly empty, Arthur finds. Dr Seward went back to London to look after his asylum, and Lucy left to fly over to Art’s barony. Suddenly, it’s just them again. Except Darcy and John clearly made up, for which Arthur is happy, but it also means they spend most of the day in Darcy’s study, working. Which makes Arthur notice how little he sees of Gregory anymore- not that he can really blame him, he’s married and all, he assumes he’s mostly spending his time with Darcy, and therefore John, too. He isn’t even always there in the morning for breakfast anymore.
Oh well. Arthur tells himself he doesn’t mind, he doesn’t begrudge them- and he doesn’t. He just sometimes thinks back to the birthday party and how nice it was to be included with everyone. And he thinks he’s become better friends with Darcy, at least. So… he just hopes that doesn’t… fade away again now. It’s not like he really knows how to be friends…
But he wanted some quiet time, and now he has it. And he enjoys it, too- he spends hours with Hannibal, petting him and getting to know him, and practising riding him. Also, playing with him. Hannibal likes playing catch, even if, of course, he has to let Arthur catch him, there’s no way for Arthur to do that if Hannibal doesn’t want him to.
So that’s fun. Also, trying out riding things, with the manuals the library has and Hannibal in the paddock- Hannibal is very patient while Arthur figures out his arms and legs and accidentally kicks him in the ribs a bunch of times. He never gives Arthur more than a grumpy look and a sliver of bared teeth to let him know he’s getting it wrong and graciously accepts apology pets.
And he does see John and Darcy every day at dinner, and most days during the day when he checks in on the patients in the hospital. He enjoys, so much, that he can really make a difference there and help the animals.
It’s always a bit bittersweet when their patients are well again and return to their lives- after all, it’s a dangerous world, especially for the small animals like the rats and the mice. But the one Arthur is the most sorry to see go is Katharina- she still looks very ragged, what with her fur not having grown back in everywhere, but she’s healthy and it’s time for her to go.
Except, when Arthur lifts her out of the pen to carry her to the property boundary, she rolls onto her back in his arms and purrs. And when they reach the gates and he tries to let her down, she very decidedly puts her paws on Arthur’s chest and hooks her claws into his jacket.
Arthur looks at Darcy, and they look at Katharina, and even with some cajoling, no, it doesn’t seem at all like she wants to leave. Which is how he ends up adopted by a cat- and he really, really likes it. Katharina will sleep on his pillow, and curl up on his lap when he’s reading, or accompany him outside.
He has a cat and a horse, and it’s great! Especially since Darcy is the one who the night animals come to, but they still decided to be his friends. So it’s really because they actually like him.
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Darcy is very glad that Katharina decided to stay with Arthur, she’s a bit worried about him because she doesn’t have all that much chance to keep an eye on him. But since Gregory is hardly around her these days (well, apart from demanding her wifely duties from her and poking if she finally got him Llew,) she has to assume that he’s lots around Arthur when Arthur is out, so it’s all alright.
Just that in the afternoon, it’s just after tea and she was getting ready to ask Arthur if he’s ready to ride Hannibal into town and help her look for any animals in need, suddenly nothing is alright at all.
She knows she heard Gregory. She didn’t imagine it. But he’s nowhere around. No, not even in his invisible cat form, she can smell him when he pulls that. But there, again, as if he was directly next to her, it’s so clear, and no… somehow, somehow she knows he’s far away. Feels it in her very soul with the direction her drac is leaning in when she tries to locate him. But his voice is still there, a tease in her mind directly that he should get those earrings, they have little cats on them, then she can’t be angry with him the next time she’s being silly about something.
What is he doing? Why? Putting her hands over her ears frantically to absolutely no avail, she does the one thing she can think of: Run to Arthur. This ought to be something magical, right? Thank the night her papa is coming back from his work duties later today, too! “Help! Gregory got into my head somehow!”
Arthur stands on his tiptoes to look over Hannibal’s back to the door to the stables as he hears Darcy burst in. “Uh… what?”
Hands still over her ears, she whimpers. “I don’t know. I can hear him. Could hear him. And I know he’s not anywhere around…” That makes her blink, realising that she thought he’d be here with Arthur before her drac pointed his direction out and told her he’s far away. Far, really far, not Whitby-far.
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“Um.” Arthur puts the brush down and pets Hannibal’s shoulder while he ducks under his neck to walk over to Darcy- well aware that Hannibal’s not going to be content to stand tied up in the aisle for very long if there’s no grooming going on. “So you… heard his voice but you can tell he’s not here?”
“Like he’s right here, really close.” She nods, dares to pull her hands down from her ears, but still whimpers. “Is that… demons can make you hear voices in stories sometimes, maybe that’s it?”
Arthur feels his eyes go wide- well, okay, Gregory has other powers from the demon, but… wouldn’t that be bad if he got more? New ones? He shivers a little. “I… don’t really know enough about demons to say…? Um… what did he say? Did it sound like him?”
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For a moment, she pouts, then just looks down and nods because yes, she can imagine him saying the things he did. She always knew he bought her gifts so she wouldn’t talk about anything that upset her anymore.
“Er…” Arthur glances at Hannibal. “…I’ll let Hannibal out and we can go to the library and see if we can find something out?” he offers, since he has no other ideas.
“Thank you,” she whimpers and rubs her wedding band uncomfortably.
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“You’re welcome,” he says. “…Though I haven’t actually done anything yet…” Darcy doesn’t look very happy at all about this development, but he can’t really blame her- suddenly hearing someone’s voice who isn’t there sounds pretty scary, even if it is just Gregory.
So he takes the halter off of Hannibal and apologizes for the change in plans, and lets him out into the paddock to run by himself. Once his lovely horse grooming supplies are safely stored in the tack room, he rejoins Darcy to head back to the castle.