Chapter 31
Previously:
“So… it’s all about the drac? You said something like that before, I think, but… how does it work? What actually happened? It’s like suddenly you’re besties?”
He can’t possibly just stick with the first thing that came to mind!
But no matter how much he purses his lips and tries to think, nope, that’s what Quincy periphery spits out, typical. All he can do is snort and admit to it: “It’s wrong, but my first thought was that Cycy will be so happy about that! He’s… Well, it’s hard to describe, but I knew that look on his face, I knew that he’s insane because he cannot keep his drac inside and it’s just so full of pain. It needs me. It needs Cycy. And… she’s not here, so I kind of don’t have another drac that knows what this howling is. He said it, he knows it and that just feels so true.”
“So… he’s insane because his drac is hurt, and his drac wants Darcy, and yours does, too, and… so they understand each other? Or the two of you understand each other? …Is there a difference? And… you’re sure he couldn’t fake that?”
“Badly hurt, I have half a mind to explode at my father.” Quincy ends up growling without meaning to, startles at the sound, then laughs.
“I guess he’s making me comfortable with my drac as only Darcy did, and, I’m sorry, but after the last week, I needed that. He can fake his drac howling just as little as I can fake mine not wanting to shut up for days now. And we’re minstrels, there should be a difference, but it’s difficult to remember that when you look at a drac and all you want to do is hug it… Hug him.”
“I’ve got a few questions for Vlad myself,” Arthur acknowledges. “And, so, the drac lie detector says he really, truthfully, does care for Darcy and doesn’t just want to use her?”
“Don’t you tell him I said that, but he’s cute. There’s no way he didn’t get tackled over by the headstrong beast that is Darcy’s drac; especially if he made the mistake to let his drac as close to hers as he did to mine.”
Shaking his head, Quincy holds the door back to Whitby for Arthur.
He can see it, he really can. His queen is a bit of a different weight class when it comes to emotions. Wasn’t there something about smaller size and density and bigger impact? Science is really not his strong point, but if there’s anything to it, yes, Cycy hits like a bullet right to the heart, he would know. She finally cracked his heart, after all.
Arthur pauses before stepping through, gives Quincy a slightly incredulous look. “Cute? …And also, you know that now I’ll remember you said that next time I see him, so if he does his mind-read-y thing, there’s nothing I can do about it,” he grumbles.
“He won’t. I told him not to.”
Shrugging as he follows Arthur, and closing the door behind them, Quincy snickers, because while he does believe that Radu will respect that request, even if not, it’s really not something Arthur should worry about.
“And if he does, it’s going to be his problem because he’ll probably get flustered. Cute. Bloody hell but he’s fun to get emotions out of.”
He’ll just ignore how fae that sounds and feels.
“…I’d prefer to be able to keep my thoughts private myself rather than rely on the good manners of an insane voivode, but thanks.” Arthur slides Quincy a side-ways look, because of course he has to poke right on the thing Quincy didn’t want to acknowledge: “So your drac likes his drac and your fae likes the emotions?”
Not that Arthur is wrong with that poke, but still. It’s not entirely comfortable, but that’s only the fae side. The other part to it, no, Quincy doesn’t mind admitting it. It hurts, but it’s a hurt that can be shared, so he sighs and looks down, then back at Arthur. “He feels a little bit like Darcy and I miss her.”
Arthur squeezes his hand and leans a bit closer, he’s really very good at this rebound boyfriend business. Quincy is glad he snatched him.
“I miss her, too… but I’m not in love with her, so I’m sure it’s worse for you. How does he feel a bit like Darcy? Is it also the drac?”
“Yes, it is. You… you haven’t seen Cycy the way I did. She didn’t feel safe to fully take off the human mask with you. She’d didn’t want to scare you. She’s even more intense than you know. But she did feel safe with me, and that pure emotion, that laughing wolf…”
Sighing again, Quincy doesn’t even care that he’s biting his lip, the thought is making him abashed, but bloody hell, it’s true. “If Radu’s drac can howl like that, maybe it can laugh like that and I’ll have a bit of Darcy back even if the fae keep us searching.”
~
Arthur feels a twist in his chest from those words. “I don’t like that she didn’t feel she could be… open with me…” he admits. Quincy likes emotions, so it’s good to share that, right? “But I guess I do scare easy… I hope we get her back soon so I can tell her… I don’t know. It’s okay if she scares me, I’d rather be scared than… than… ignorant?”
“She’ll love you for that, but also… She didn’t want to destroy your supposed friendship with Gregory. She can be too selfless.” As he says it, Quincy sits down on the closest sofa and pulls Arthur on his lap.
Arthur cuddles into him- a little surprised at Quincy pulling him in like that, but he supposes that’s one of the ‘boyfriend’ perks, and he likes it. Also, it feels good to lean on someone as he sighs, and admits: “Yeah, definitely too selfless… Did she really think I’d… I’d ever want to stay friends with someone who did something like that?”
Embarrassingly, he feels himself tear up a little. It’s probably the stress of the day catching up with him. There was a Radu encounter and everything, after all.
“That… kind of hurts?” He curls himself a little smaller. Quincy likes that, right? Someone he can take care of? “I feel really shit about… all of it.”
~
Aw. Yes, that’s both because of Arthur offering him the perfect distraction, and for actually caring about making him feel better. Starting in with petting Arthur’s hair, that was a very easy-to-find super weapon, Quincy hums for a moment while thinking his words through.
“Cycy thinks in stories. The battered woman so often isn’t believed. The power of male friendship. But also, and I’m sorry that that’s going to hurt more: She knows how you are around anything so much as the implication of marriage. How could she tell you her pain and hurt when she had to protect you? When she wasn’t sure you wouldn’t be angry with her for bringing up the topic of what your friend did at all?”
~
That makes Arthur lift his head- not enough to dislodge Quincy’s hand, of course. “Angry? Why would I be angry? I’m… uh, I don’t think I’m angry a lot?”
Though he would’ve been really uncomfortable, and Darcy does like to protect people, including him, so he sighs again as he cuddles back down. “But yeah, I guess… I guess I thought it was just… my own business if I didn’t want anything to do with that, but if it means she feels like she can’t trust me when something’s really bad and wrong…”
~
Now this is a golden opportunity if Quincy ever saw one, even if part of him wants to focus on the tears. But no, a push is what this needs.
“And how often have you seen men go from discomfort or any other strong emotion to anger? It’s what Cycy would know from the stories. Her not knowing better is the danger of letting your fear of the topic keep you away from talking about the uncomfortable things with your friends. Do you want to keep away from your friends?”
Quincy’s words are still gentle, but he leans back a bit to look at Arthur directly.
Arthur pouts for a moment, then sighs. “No. But… ugh…” He presses into Quincy again. “It just makes me feel so… squirmy inside.”
Putting his arms around him tighter, Quincy hums for a little while soothingly. Good, that landed as it was intended to, a bit more push, but also a bit more honey to make it easier. “Do you trust me, your boyfriend, to help you? To never hurt you on purpose while I help you?”
“Well, you’re good at social things… and you’re nice… If I don’t trust you, who would I trust?” Arthur says. “So… yes, I do.” He looks up at Quincy, gives him a crooked smile. “Even if I’d rather go and have another chat with Radu or something than get close to that topic…”
“You could always have a chat with Radu about that topic.” Quincy giggles, then puts a gentle kiss on Arthur’s forehead.
The worst part is, he kind of wants to have talks like that with Radu. The man’s delightful and sharp and, finally, somebody around here with a sense of social finesse… but also, a drac. Still, that’s not important to Arthur right now. So focus back on him. “But maybe start with talking to me.”
Arthur gives him a consternated look for that one. Fine, he deserves that, but still, the look is fun to see. Bloody obvious fae urge to get emotional reactions.
“I’m not instant best drac buddies with him, no, I don’t think I’m going to go and talk to him about something that… that… uh… intimate and vulnerable…”
“Why does simply talking about it feel vulnerable?”
Relaxing back into the sofa, Quincy pulls Arthur along so he’s lying on top of him, but keeps his arms around him, runs his hands soothingly up and down his back. Ah yes, now that is stray talk, he needed that, he’s not had it in weeks. His darling and Cycy aren’t strays, after all.
“…Why… why wouldn’t it?” Arthur looks confused. “I don’t even want to think about it, if I talk about it, I have to think about it!”
“And you see nothing strange about you being this scared from merely thinking about it? Is there anything else that has that much power or influence over you?”
Quincy makes sure he doesn’t sound judgemental, just curious. “I’ve seen you be less scared when staring voivodes in the face and planning to fight against terrible odds.”
~
“Um,” Arthur makes and blinks- he hasn’t ever thought about it like that… “I guess… I guess that’s kind of strange…”
“I think you have some actual issues around the topic, not just discomfort. I don’t want you to be so scared of something that is not going to hurt you.” Winking, Quincy grins at him. “You have a boyfriend, you know, you’re spoken for, any flirting you might be worried about can bounce off my defence of you.”
That makes Arthur look even more surprised. “…Really?” Then he smiles. “I think… I think that makes me feel better, actually- safer.”
“Now, I don’t intend to make the world falsely decide you’re a molly by flaunting it, but if you are being hounded by any women who notice that you are great boyfriend material, I’ll get them off your trail. Maybe just aim them at John, he can use any little bit of reassurance in his masculinity.” That makes Quincy chuckle and shake his head. “Everybody has some issues to improve on; I’ll just put yours on my list to work on.”
Arthur relaxes more onto him. “Thank you. Also for saying everyone has some issues… and not making me feel stupid for apparently being more scared of talking about something everyone seems to think is the best thing ever than talking to overpowered vampires…”
“Not everybody. I told you before, I know some people at the molly houses who are pretty indifferent to it, but they don’t freak out from so much as thinking about it, and I believe that’s the real problem. Nobody is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to, at least not if they are in shotgun range for John or tongue-lashing range for me, but you don’t have a clue what you want or don’t want because you are too afraid to even think about it.” Shaking his head once more with a tut, Quincy smiles. “So that’s what I want to help you with, being able to actually have all the information.”
“So it’s still okay if it’s not for me, but… I mean, you’re right, if I don’t like it, I should just… not care, right? Not feel all… eeked out and like I want to run away and hide, or like I’m going to be sick…”
~
“Of course it’s still okay if it’s not for you, honey! And it is even okay if you get all the info and decide it’s gross to do and you want nothing to do with it, but the thought alone shouldn’t bring you close to freaking out.”
There’s a huff to his words, because really, this is such an obvious phobia he starts snickering. “Just like me with creepy crawlies, I’m allowed to absolutely never ever wanting to touch them, but I can talk about them just fine.”
~
That makes Arthur snicker, too- the levity helping with the subliminal discomfort lurking in his belly at even this much abstract talking about it. “You protect me from being flirted at, and I’ll protect you from creepy-crawlies, deal?”
“Definitely deal! I knew you were a great boyfriend! So the right decision to date you for your ability to burn the creepy crawlies with a look if they assault me in my room!” Laughing comfortably, Quincy sticks his tongue out with an overplayed shudder before wrapping himself around Arthur. “Nope, only my boyfriend touching me in my room. Much, much nicer!”
“It’ll be good target practise… So what all qualifies as a creepy crawly? Um, I’m not setting any mice or rats on fire. Or snakes. They’re cute, too.”
~
“I have changed my attitudes on rodents, given that my wife turns into one, but anything with more than four feet, or that will have more than four feet when it’s grown up, is not okay, not okay at all!”
One more shudder later, Quincy gentles. Anything but thinking about creepy crawlies, but also, it feels good to remind himself of where the cold whispers find no purchase at all. Where even his howling drac can remind him that, no, he isn’t like those other fae. He has feelings of his own, he minds violence, he doesn’t want to be, and isn’t, cold.
“And even before knowing Darcy, rodents scream, I would feel horrible having something burned alive for my comfort that can have emotions.”
Arthur smiles at him for that. “That’s very sweet of you. Arthropods only, got it.”
A smirk forms on Quincy’s face, because oh yes, reassure him in the thing he just felt himself. Good boyfriend, now he can just declare it out loud: “I’m half fae, we’re not supposed to be sweet, got to show them that I’m better than them! I win… Well, and with Radu around, my drac seems to go puppy on me, so I guess being sweet isn’t that hard then.”
That was a bit more than a declaration, ugh, howling drac clearly making him talkative past his best image management.
“This you-and-Radu-being-friends thing is still strange…” Arthur hesitates, then asks: “…Is it true what he said? Did Mr. Harker hit you?”
Great, just great. What did he say about image management? He would have happily stayed away from that sign of weakness, but he refuses to quip it off. For all he knows, Arthur would go and ask John about it. He’s seen the evidence, he could tell on him. Fine.
He still twitches at the question, closes his eyes and exhales; jaw clenched as he slowly rolls his right sleeve up, silently shows Arthur a small scar. “Belt prong. Mother took the other lashes for me.”
Arthur winces in sympathy and presses closer. “That’s awful. I thought… I don’t know, you said you didn’t get along, but you were upset when he died…”
After another few long moments of silence, because maybe Quincy shouldn’t say it, but he’s kept quiet for long enough and now he knows so much more, he whispers: “I was upset about the dead body. I never was upset about him dying, but I didn’t want to admit that. And… Radu might have teased or his drac was playing games getting me to think about him and admitting I’m glad he’s gone but, yes, I am grateful that I never have to waste any emotions on him again, and that sounds so terrible that I’m scared that the fae will win after all.”
~
“Oh,” Arthur thinks about that for a little bit. He’s certainly surprised. That’s not what he would have expected, especially not from Quincy.
But… it makes him think about how Darcy talks about his own father. Like he’s really not owed Arthur’s consideration, like he’s not worth it. Like it’s okay to think about what it would be like if he were dead.
And like that better.
And really… he doesn’t want people to die so the people that care about them don’t hurt.
Like he did when he lost Gregory.
There’s no one who would be hurt if his father died. The only person in question is himself, and see above, he thinks he’d be relieved more than anything.
So he says: “It sounds like he was more awful to you than I thought, and… I’m glad you’re not upset. And also nobody else seems upset, which would be the bit I care about.”
He thinks it’s probably better if he doesn’t mention Quincy’s mother and sister directly. “So… I kind of agree, he didn’t deserve your emotions, then. Even if that sounds terrible. But I’m not fae, and humans are often terrible, too. So… so as long as you care about people and… and I guess play with your drac, or however that works, the fae won’t win.”
~
He didn’t expect it, but Quincy feels his eyes sting. The support is sweet, and he appreciates it, but that last part, that makes him bury his face against Arthur’s shoulder.
“I want it to feel like playing again, not like howling, and I want Darcy’s drac to bounce around it, and I even want Radu’s drac, too.”
It’s so true it’s embarrassing! Since when does he want anything to do with the furry things?
But then, he never really felt it as strongly outside of using his powers. Now it’s howling so loudly, and he did spend more than enough time with the puppies, his darling’s and Cycy’s children, that, well, yes, he knows that attention and encouragement works there, too.
And not being alone.
Puppies don’t like that.
Clearly, he’s no better.
“We’ll get her back, and then I guess the three of you can have a happy drac play party and the rest of us get to be weirded out and it’s going to be great,” Arthur declares, presses closer into him in an obvious attempt at comforting him. He’ll allow it, it’s not lorded over him. “If I could cuddle your drac, I would. Not that I know whether it would like that…”
Okay, maybe a little bit of caution, before Arthur goes too far with the care.
“As long as I tell you to do it instead of you insisting on forcing it on me, it will be great.”
Wrapping himself tighter around Arthur, wanting to hold him so he doesn’t feel so terribly alone without Darcy, Quincy asks, voice still a bit hoarse from the unshed tears, to get back in control of the emotions going around here: “And why are you so weirded out?”
“Because until about a few hours ago, I thought Radu was plotting our demise to stick it to Vlad or something of the sort. But I guess I should have asked in what way he’s insane, he’s not as unpredictable or violent as I thought… Well, I guess apart from your dracs making friends, that was a surprise.”
“I think his violence is predictable.”
With a sigh, Quincy leans his head back, stares up past Arthur at the ceiling. This is all far too easy for him to read. If he had seen the way Radu flinched at his sudden movement towards him earlier, no, he would never have been scared of him. He has seen so much trauma. Even some astonishing displays of people being arses when they should know better.
All out of internalised defensiveness. But that’s probably all a bit too complex for Arthur, so, no, he keeps it simple.
“He was so bloody scared when I lifted my hand towards him. He blames my father for pretty much everything. He killed Harker. I think he got hit much, much worse than I ever did.”
~
Arthur thinks back to the history research he did on Radu.
“…It said that he was with that sultan way back when. D’you think… I mean, it’s a sultan… D’you think he had the option of saying no…?”
He hadn’t thought too deeply about it at the time, because he’d been rather busy being scared and trying to find something useful, not old history, but… Well. A sultan. He knows all too well that saying no to nobles can be a chancy affair.
Though Radu was a noble himself, so… maybe that meant he didn’t have those problems?
~
“I doubt it. But even if he had the option, and even if he did say yes… My father, at the theatre, he made such a show of not judging me, and he felt so entitled to scream at my little sister.”
Quincy’s voice falls to a whisper, his drac is howling in sympathy and anger now, for a moment forgetting its own fear. “I think either Radu was raped or my father tried beating the molly out of him like Harker tried with me or maybe even both.”
~
Arthur shudders with renewed discomfort. Just the thought of any of that… Well, apparently he has issues, so maybe that’s why, but being attacked like that is still the worst thing he can imagine happening to a person.
…Okay, now he knows about shit like enthrallments, but… that’s just another flavour of that, isn’t it? Worse, because then you’ll even be attached to the person doing that to you and think it’s your idea.
“…I have a lot of questions for Vlad. I mean, I always got the impression that he was feeling guilty for something… But… I don’t remember him screaming at your sister…?” He frowns, trying to think through all the things that happened. It’s all a bit hazy with fear and stress, but… he thinks he’d remember that?
“Only because I stopped him. Only because I dared tell him he’s behaving like Harker. I can only hope he was going to scream instead of hurting her.
“I’m not sure, though.” Quincy rubs the scar on his arm.
“…I guess I’ll find out how bad his temper is, because… I want to know. No more of these secrets and half-truths, they keep biting us in the arse over and over.” Arthur scowls.
He hates working with bad information. How’s he supposed to make any good choices like that?!
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