Chapter 21
Previously: Obsidian: Ash and Moonbeams – Chapter 20
“Mmm?” Caliban makes when he wakes up to… a kiss. Yeah, that felt like a kiss.
He pries an eye open- he’s feeling so relaxed. So fucking relaxed. He can’t even tell how long he’s been asleep for, but it feels like it was deep and restful in a way he can’t remember it being any time in the recent past.
~
That soft rumble to his voice and the sleepy, comfy smell coming off of him make her tail wag, and now she just has to kiss him again.
“If you are too sleepy I don’t want to keep you up, but I brought you a little something.”
She feels so warm and soft and fuzzy inside for being able to do that for him, she could wiggle herself silly.
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Ah, the puppy is back. “Mm?” he asks, because he’s still so pleasantly fuzzy, but also curious now.
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Right, it’s dark, he might not see as well as her.
Putting the net on her lap, making sure to keep it off the ground, she pulls her canteen out of it and unscrews it for him, takes one of his hands in the dark to close it around the canteen, but holds on so he doesn’t spill anything.
“My friends said this is much cleaner than what you’ve been drinking, and also, I didn’t see you drink today. That’s bad!”
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The smell has him actually push up on his elbows so he can bring the canteen (yes, that’s a canteen- where did that come from?) to his mouth. He takes a swig, then blinks.
“Fuck, that’s actual water. Clean water. Where’d you find that?” He takes another, deeper drink, because oh yes, he’s thirsty, but he’s kind of been thirsty since he got here and stopped noticing it much.
Because the water he’s been able to find is shitty and awful to drink.
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“Some of my friends have dens, they go far down, there’s underground water systems. I think the water might get filtered by all the aerated volcanic rock. They said we could move in with them but I said no, it would be much too cramped for you.” With a giggle, she has to admit something to him because it popped into her head and she wants to keep just telling him when she has those monster thoughts: “Also it didn’t feel right to not dig my own den for you. But I did bring food, too. It doesn’t taste gross. Well, it’s vegetables, but they don’t taste like the dead things we ate.”
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“Never thought I’d say this, but I’ll take vegetables over the local meat, yes. Amazing,” he tells her, because it is. “Your ability there to talk to the wildlife is fucking handy. You’ll have to dig a lot if I’m supposed to fit into it, though. Maybe we should find a nice, ready-made cave?”
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Chuckling, she hands him one of the mushrooms. “Papa always says not liking to eat my vegetables is the one thing he had to fight with me about. But these are okay. I already tried them to make sure they are safe.”
For a moment, she just smiles at him, then ends up giggling because he is clearly no better than her. “So we are at the stage of dating where we discuss what we would prefer in our shared nest?”
Okay, maybe that was a little bit of a tease, but she just feels… carefree. Yes, that’s it. There’s nothing more she can do about being on this planet right now, so why worry about it? She’s doing good for her man and for setting themselves up in a good spot. So really, everything is going great!
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Mushrooms are better than plants, as far as he’s concerned, and while this one doesn’t taste like much… it also doesn’t taste like sulphur, which is a vast improvement.
“These could actually be downright tasty fried with some salt,” he decides.
Dating… Is that what they’re doing? He huffs out a laugh. “I don’t think I’ve done anything you could call ‘dating’ in a long time. But I’m on board. As to what I’d prefer… You think we can get out of all this ash and dust? Maybe even find a spot of non-boiling, non-acid water for a bath, if there’s actual water here after all? Because I just want to feel clean again.”
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“Of course I can! We’ll do that when we go hunting. I’ll keep my nose peeled for smelling water.”
For a moment, she considers digging him an entrance to where she got this water, but that would be a lot of work and not a good bathing spot, more of a stream than a pool. Well, one more thing on the hunting list!
“And we are going on dates so I can fly us around, we’ll find somewhere that’s less ashen. I’ll ask around, it’s still a long time to dawn, my friends said.” Starting to pet his hair and scooting so close that her legs touch him where she’s sitting, she sighs happily. “My drac said we’re keeping you, and you feel so nice, so right, you are always sweet with me, you respect me and my drac. I’d like to feel the proper way about you, so yes, dating sounds just right. Like I do with John so I can finally love him the right way!”
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Is he being okay ‘being kept’?
Surprisingly… yes. If you’d asked him yesterday, he would have said no, but now he figures if the Aesir don’t want him… Well, screw them.
It probably helps that the puppy’s idea of ‘keeping’ someone is to run all over for them.
“Mmm,” he agrees, takes another deep drink of the water and then drops his head into her lap to grin up at her while he offers her the canteen. “What’s the proper way? Because I’m feeling unusually comfortable with you, too, puppy.”
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If he stays there, she’s so not going to move for the rest of the night, this is bliss! But she shoves the canteen back at him. “I stuck my head into the stream. Had to test the water for you. This is all yours and I can bring more, it’s not far. Sorry that my bottle is me-, not you-sized.”
Wiggling a bit to sit more comfortably, she starts stroking her fingers over his hair and face and neck, not too gentle, of course, they agree on that, she’s sure. “As to the proper way. Well, the ‘want to marry you’ way, of course. You make me feel so nice when we’re all intertwined and you break that mean barrier between us with your lovely teeth. When you want to be that close to me, want us to be even closer, we just need to find a way to do it safely, it makes me feel so appreciated. John makes me feel like that, too. All this, can’t think straight with how sexy you two are but also with how safe and happy I am with you. I don’t know why I don’t love John the proper way, the way I love Quincy. And I hate that. But I’m not going to stop trying until I love you all the proper way and we are the happiest swarm there is!”
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He is so comfortable right now. A little sleepy, but not too much, and her lap makes a nice-smelling pillow, much better than the scruffy ground and grass, and he’s got water to sip that isn’t gritty and bitter.
And her fingers feel nice, firm and strong.
He makes a happy sound.
“I admit I’ve never considered marrying anyone. Definitely no one on Asgard. Definitely no Aesir, and no fae. Midgardians are too fragile.” He grins up at her. “That wouldn’t be a problem with you. So, sure, let’s see how it goes. What’s the difference between your John and Quincy? What’s Quincy do that makes you feel all in love?”
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The way he cares and asks leaves her sighing. “That’s such a hard question.”
Giving herself some time to think it over, because if he asks she needs to do her best to tell him, she leans in to kiss him.
Wait. Tell him. She could show him.
Extending her fangs into his lips and making really sure not to get tempted to nibble again, she focuses on her love for Quincy, the way it’s both all growly protective and vulnerable. The way she knows that he doesn’t like to be hugged but he will run right behind her, letting her protect him. The way she’s seen him cry so often, the way she always feels she can carry him in her fallen angel’s wings because he trusts her to do that and trusts himself to smack her if she gets it wrong. There is just so much of him! So many different layers, so many different things that she doesn’t always understand, but always knows he’ll tell her.
And then there is John. She shivers at the thought, the feeling. Her big, strong man. Her sexy man. Always loving her for who she is, always confident. And still, she knows her love is tiptoeing around him. There is… she’s just not sure he’ll tell her when she does it wrong. He doesn’t like saying everything, he’s too strong for that. He doesn’t really need her. Not the way Quincy does. It hurts. And still, she loves him so much, just not the right way.
With a slight sniffle, she pulls back from the kiss. “That was them, that’s what I’m feeling, how they feel to me.”
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“Hm, right, let’s see…” That was a lot of emotion. Is it weird for him to be curious about them, and her men, and what’s going on there?
He doesn’t know, and decides he doesn’t care. A hundred and fifty days of boredom, someone else’s relationship complications are very interesting in contrast to that.
“So which one was first? Quincy, I’m assuming, pretty sure I felt love in there?”
At her confirmation, he considers it for another few moments, rolling the memory of her emotions through his mind. Of course, it’s not that easy to remember the details of someone else’s emotions, but there are things that stand out.
“It felt more complex with him? Like there was just… more to your feelings for him. More nuances, more different kinds of emotions. The second one felt… flatter? Also, much more uncertainty there. Like you’re not sure of him? Not in a distrust way, more a… ‘not sure you can go all out’ way?”
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Feeling uncertain about John makes her feel like a traitor, like she’s not good enough for him. It’s a whimper and stubborn headshake.
“Quincy will fix me so that I can love him right! He keeps telling me that John is a keeper. I just… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I want his puppies, silly Ms Powlett being needed for that. And he said it meant so much that when I thought they were killing me, I shouted for him first. How… how can I not be sure?”
It doesn’t want to make sense. Never has.
“He’s been with me through all the worst things. I’ve known him so much longer than Quincy. He’s always stood by me. He’s the most loyal, dedicated, sweet man there could ever be. He loves me for my drac. No masks. Just love. Just his girl. Why… why can’t I see it?”
Her fingers in Caliban’s beard clutch tight, she wraps herself over his head, needs to hold on to more, because she doesn’t want to feel so bad about it. She loves John, so much, so very much! She wants to do it right!
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Aw, now his puppy is upset. But there’s clearly something here, he thinks.
“What can’t you see?” he probes.
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“Him!”
She howls it out, or rather her drac howls it out, and she’s not sure where it even came from, but now she’s holding Caliban and holding her drac.
“All of him… the way I can see all of Quincy… all of Radu. Their dracs. I could see their dracs and they… need me.”
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Aha.
“And needing you is important? Because he doesn’t have a drac to show you, if I’m understanding everyone’s species here right.”
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“I…” An upset hiccup interrupts her, but she tries going on. “I try so hard to be good for my men. I know I can’t ever ultimately be good for him, but we found a way so I can still be the mother of his children. Just… I don’t know. He doesn’t have a drac, so maybe I’m just bad at seeing that he needs me? Dracs are easy. I understand them. People… people are hard.” She doesn’t like calling John people, that just feels mean. But it’s more true than it is with Quincy, and Radu, or even tăticu and mother.
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“Hmmm.” She certainly is trying hard, and Caliban suspects the problem lies with the man, not with her. But, seeing how hard she’s trying, he’s pretty sure if he tries to go for that straight-on, she’s going to feel the need to be good for her man by defending him. So…
“If you imagine seeing that he needs you, what would that look like? Or, you being a puppy and all, smell like?”
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The first thing that comes to mind is just so much need. She wants it so badly. Her fingers twitch.
“It… it would feel like being allowed to hug his soul. Like… like I tried with making sure you know that I’ll never judge you for the biting. I could do something… something for you that others wouldn’t. The…” She’s sniffling again. “The same way I made sure the whole world can see that John is the man I could smell from the start. It’s so important to him.”
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“And I appreciate it very much. You did a good job there, puppy.” He smiles at her. “Maybe not at the point of ‘I need you in my life’ yet, but we’ll see if that gets there. But as to your other man… So now the whole world can see that… Does that mean he needs you less now?”
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“He’d never!” Darcy wants to defend John so badly. How can she possibly say he doesn’t need her when he’s been… been…
She blinks. Tilts her head.
Been more upset because of her than any other man. He must have. When she was obsessed. When he had to watch her marry the demon. When he always supported her after the demon hurt her.
“Am I… bad for him? He’s been hurt so often because of me… But he never complains, never tells me it’s too much, he just… bears it. Keeps carrying and loving and protecting me. I… just want to be good for him.”
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“Well, I don’t know. But I think, puppy, the problem might be that you don’t know. There’s your insecurity about him again.” He lifts a hand to pat the side of her thigh beneath his head. “Sounds like a communication problem to me. And since you don’t really like talking… That emotion biting you do, you do that with him? Can someone share back with you through it, or is it one way?”
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“They can share.”
Oh, does she ever know how much people can share.
“You have to show me, though. It’s not automatic. I’m not Radu, I can’t read your mind. Just… even him, you know, everybody tells me he was using me, but… dracs don’t lie and there was so much pain in him. So much hurt. All I wanted was to love it better. John… he’s… Maybe he’s just too strong. He loves me. I know that. He loves me the proper way. I can feel that. He’s always there being strong for me. Even when… even when I must be hurting him.”
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Caliban studies her face, lined in the diffuse, red light. It makes her look extra-sad.
“He’s always being strong for you, but do you get to be strong for him?” he asks. “Because isn’t that part of needing someone? Needing them to be strong for you in some way?”
Otherwise, where would be the ‘need’ part?
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“I don’t know.”
And that’s killing her inside if she just lets herself admit it.
“Quincy says that John has a thing about needing to be a real man about only showing things to his girl. But… but… why haven’t I seen him cry? Quincy cries, he’ll throw himself into my arms even when he hisses so hard at the grey world to not force any care on him. Radu… his drac was whining at me. John… he’ll get upset, he’ll smell so much, and then… it’s gone, as if he puts a lid on it and just… What is happening there?”
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“You did just talk about hurt and ‘loving it better’,” Caliban notices. “Is that where it’s falling down? He’s not letting you at his hurt to love it better? He’s putting it away and repressing it and so you can’t see that bit of him?”
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But she wants to. Of course she wants to.
“Would a man do that? I don’t understand anything about this anymore. And… and John at the start was uncomfortable with Quincy because he always calls him being obvious. I’m not sure what that is supposed to be. I think it’s about him being a molly, but how would that be obvious unless he flirts with you?” Shaking her head, Darcy rubs her cheek against Caliban again. “Would you do that? When you are posturing? That’s what it is, right?”
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Oh yeah, he’s pretty sure he can see a pattern there. One made of the things the puppy doesn’t understand. “Puppy, if he’s got a chip on his shoulder and manliness to prove, oh fuck yes, would he posture and not show any sign of weakness. And being hurt, in that kind of context, is weakness. You don’t get it because as far as I can tell, you’re literally fearless. I don’t mean courageous, I mean you don’t feel fear. Not the way most beings do.
“But your John is in that gender power structure shit on Midgard we talked about earlier, and if he’s not confident in his masculinity in that… All the posturing.”
How to put it in terms that make sense to her?
“Think of him like a wolf who’s constantly on enemy territory. He’s puffing his fur up as far as he can at all times so you can’t see how big he really is, or isn’t, so nobody attacks him. And it sounds to me like you need for him to put his fur down and let you lick his face and build him a den.”
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She’s crying, yes, that’s tears and her drac whimpering so hard.
“I’ve been trying so hard. I run that entire blasted… fucking barony so that Arthur and John have a home! I made another fae contract so that everybody can see that John is a man. So that… so that he can show his badger bristles rather than the grey world having sewed a sheep-pelt over it! He… he doesn’t have to pretend he’s big. He is big. So big. So strong. Both Quincy and I always swoon at him for that. I hate posturing. I hate masks. He always… always rips mine off. Why… why doesn’t he trust me that I don’t want him to wear one? I love him.”
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“Awww.” He pushes up a little so he can hold his arms out to her, offer her a hug. “Maybe he doesn’t know he doesn’t have to pretend? Maybe he’s scared you won’t think he’s big enough if you really get to see him. If he rips your mask off, he gets to be strong for you. If you get to rip his mask off… If he’s got confidence issues, he might be scared you won’t like what you find or something.”
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“But… but…”
How is that fair? She moves to be able to throw herself on top of him, she doesn’t just want to lean over him, no she wants to curl up into a little ball of misery on him.
“I want to love him better! I want to bite everybody who made him think he is anything but the big, strong man who always protects me and who… who never would be like his father or like the girl people told him he was! I don’t love him for his postering! I love him for… for the way he looks at me when we see to our puppies. The way he smiles at Quincy and lets nobody talk bad about him. The way he laughs at my wolf antics and never forces me to be a princess. The way he will roughhouse with me. The way he tells me stories and lets me rewrite him books we love so we can both be in them. Please, please, please, don’t think you have to be a monster that never needs to be held. I want to hold you. I want to love you better, too!”
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He wraps his arms around her, holds her tight, because that seems to be what she’s looking for.
“I’ll keep that in mind. Might take a bit of work,” he admits, which is… in itself kind of surprising? To himself? “I’m also from a place with lots of posturing, after all. Though I’m also pretty done with that place, so.”
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“You can be. You have me now. I want to give you a home, a place where you don’t have to have any masks. Where… it’s safe to be yourself.”
Hasn’t she tried so hard for that? Her fingers twitch and she holds on to one of his hands. She remembers tinting Quincy’s nails. Remembers the way he looked at them for so long, looked up at her and there were tears in his eyes, tears he didn’t feel scared to show her. And he explained it to her, too. That he always wanted to do that but it doesn’t come off the way other makeup does, not as fast… As fast as he needed it to to be able to get away from the police and not have incriminating evidence on him. It was meaningful to him. Of course she always will do it.
“I… I want to be allowed to show the world your bite marks on me, allowed to hold Quincy’s hand after I tinted his nails, allowed to… to… I don’t know how I can possibly make it any clearer to the world and to John that I see him as a man, the best man. If I could parade a big belly with puppies around for him, I would! Maybe… Do you think after you’ve made the demon disappear, if I… if I marry John and make him official baroness-consort even though it’s going to be a huge scandal, do you think that’ll help?”
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“Is that important to him?” Caliban’s going to think about what he feels about the idea of her parading around his bite marks later. “I think probably first you should talk to him about this, might be all it takes. You say he loves you – he should want to give you what you need, too, no?”
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